Reminder

Taken on 7 March at Ah Ma's house.

"Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Matthew 22:37-40

While reading my Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) notes for this past week, God speaks to me and reminds me about remembering to love Him first and foremost and to love others as I do myself.

I have been struggling with balancing the rigors of child-rearing, in particular discipline and grace. Now that Zac is in primary school and Eli is heading into the same territory, I find the number of days I'm "grumpy, shouty mummy" have increased tenfold. I'm constantly driven by the fear that their childish antics and bad behavior will eventually become adult habits ingrained in their psyche. Left unchecked their shenanigans will make a home in their lives resulting in unsuccessful, selfish, bratty people who others will eventually put down as being "badly brought up". Unbeknownst to them, these little gifts from God have worn me out from constantly keeping me on my toes and wringing my hands, just waiting to jump at every teachable moment that happens to saunter past.

Parenting has become task-oriented and it didn't really begin that way this year. (Recall, the year began with good intentions to get to know my boys better.) I'd been consistent in spending time with God before I started the day but then I started to slip up and I allowed the daily tasks to take over and I'd soon neglected the time I spent quietly letting God speak to me in the wee hours of the morning.
Today, his wisdom prevails and I am again brought back to the most important aspect of following Christ - loving God first and foremost. It's not the calling that He has placed on my life to be a mother and a homemaker that should take precedence but really to walk closely with Jesus and be in right relationship with Him. When that happens, all the other ducks will line up and whatever I do will be in alignment with His plans and all will be right with the world.

So how does this apply in a practical way to my life right now. Well, for starters, I need to start spending time quietly with God's word. This will require sleeping earlier instead of pushing sleep-time later and later on account of a book or k-drama or Pinterest so I can wake up a little earlier. I need to also start being conscious of my motives, words and actions, that they will speak truth and love into a person's life. I came across "THINK before you speak" to teach my children about being careful with the words they say to one another and I think its a handy reminder for myself too.

T - Is it true?
H - Is it helpful?
I - Is it inspiring?
N - Is it necessary?
K - Is it kind?

My prayer is to not lose sight of the love God has for me and it is because of His love that I can hope and do all things.

Generosity

Generosity isn't innate. No one is really born with it. Instead it is learned and can be developed. As generous as God has been to this family, my hope is for my children to be as generous as a response to all that they have received. I worry sometimes that living in comfort and enjoying the many privileges they have will make them less sensitive to the needs of others.

I learned today not to underestimate what my children are capable of. Zachary came home with an envelope from Community Chest asking for personal donations. He had been told that the mummies and daddies will be the ones to open their cheque books to fill the empty envelope. Not wanting to waste the perfect opportunity to share a lesson in being generous, I asked for him to contribute something, anything and I will put in my share too.

Guiltily, I assumed that my son would protest vehemently at parting with his allowance money and that he would grudgingly put in an unmentionable tiny token sum. He did say that he'd contribute $1 (the amount he gets a day). I was satisfied knowing he'd at least go along with my plan so I read the little story about an autistic girl who would be benefiting from our donation without any intention to sway his decision. He paused for a bit and asked what autism was and why the little girl would bit people and not be able to call her own parents. I explained as best I could how she was born with a condition that made it hard for her to form relationships with people. It was scary for her and she had to learn ways to adapt and grow up.

When I asked him to get his wallet and whether $1 was his final decision, he changed his number to $4 instead which was practically everything he had in his wallet. Half expecting him to change his mind, I was so surprised that my typically tight-fisted little boy stood by his generous decision. Though he felt the pinch, he didn't retract his choice to give all he had to the less fortunate.

I was a proud mama tonight. So very proud and thankful for the evidence of his growing maturity.

I pray this spirit of generosity will always reside in his heart.

Turning Corners

Remember this post?

I shared my burden with my trio of mummy supporters (Serene, Esther and Isabel). At the time, I was feeling quite down and disappointed. I couldn't possibly see how that situation could change and I was feeling the heaviness on my heart because I didn't know WHEN we'd turn the corner. My friend Esther encouraged me and said "You know, it might just click and suddenly there will be a change."

I had continued what I was doing, parenting the way I had been before. Things had degenerated somewhat and I mourned the loss of that sweet boy whose presence had become a strain at its worst and a disturbance at best. Sometimes I thought that perseverance and sheer will power would make all the difference I needed. I'd prayed about my relationship with Zac and about our situation as he went through this period. As much as I believed that God would make that difference eventually, I didn't know where and how so I had my faith on the back burner of my mind. I almost didn't believe that He would make a difference soon. Now on hindsight, I have to admit that it had nothing to do with me or my tenacity and everything to do with God's power.

The click happened.

Over the past month, we seemed to have turned a corner. Zac has been more than helpful and has really stepped into his role as a big brother to Eli and to Ewan. He's been finding ways to be thoughtful like putting toothpaste on all our toothbrushes in the morning and evening. He's also the one to dress Eli and prep him for bedtime (the time of day I usually dread because I'm so tired). I've been surprised that he's been sitting at the piano to practice with less resistance and he plays for a solid amount of time. There were still the usual and expected moments of frustration and tension but I noticed that there was a change in me too. I had better control over my anger, I was feeling less anxious and I was able to respond better to issues that surface. God had changed my heart and given me new perspective as well as refreshed my soul. I've been so appreciative of the shift and I can only praise God for what He's made possible and for improving my relationship with my older child.

As I write this, I realise that a message I had been hearing (Don't Stop on Six) about the Israelites and their battle of Jericho (Joshua 6:1-27) was meant for me. Each time I encountered a challenging parenting moment and I was faced with mounting trouble or a the starts of a tantrum, I felt like the Israelites as they walked round Jericho's wall not knowing how many times they would have to do all that before it would make a difference. It must have been so frustrating for them because there was no sign or evidence that what they were doing had any effect - no cracking, no shifting, no rumbling, nothing. Still, they continued in obedience and did what must have become discouraging. The fourth, fifth, sixth time in silence, still nothing happened and by then they figured that all their effort was for nought.

Six. The number of the devil. It is the number of man without God. It is with great significance that  it was on day seven that the routine changed and they were told that victory was at hand.

¹⁵ On the seventh day they rose early, at the dawn of day, and marched around the city in the same manner seven times. It was only on that day that they marched around the city seven times. ¹⁶ And at the seventh time, when the priests had blown the trumpets, Joshua said to the people, “Shout, for the Lord has given you the city.

Seven the number of completion and perfection. God's number. When we have God in us and we can rely completely on him and know that it is only by His power that true change can come about.  On that day, God gave His people the city and demonstrated that with God all things are possible if we just believe and trust that all things (both good and bad) work for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28).

I don't want to "stop on six" and rely on my limited human abilities. I want instead to have that whole-hearted faith that regardless of the valleys I may walk through, He is there and He is leading me through it all to take me to a better place in my life, one where I know Jesus more and trust Him more too.

Faith

I was listening to a sermon on Elevation Church and this verse popped out for me.

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for 

and assurance about what we do not see." 

Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)

I thought how this verse is so applicable to parenting. I've had way more than one challenging experience as a mum and sometimes I admit to feeling that twinge of despair when my children step out of line and their behaviour makes me want to dig a hole and bury my head into it. However, this verse reminds me to have confidence in what I hope my boys will become and have assurance "that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6)

Rather than grappling with the day-to-day and struggling with the tasks at hand, this verse allows me to consider the long term goal of raising children who walk the talk and have a close intimate relationship with Jesus for the rest of their lives. The little glitches and major blow-outs become a bump in the road when you have a vision and you keep that end goal in your mind's eye. I'm so encouraged to know that my children are works in progress and who they are now is not the complete picture than God has in mind for them.

My prayer is for more wisdom, grace and compassion for my little ones as we navigate childhood, adolescence, young adulthood and finally when they go out into the world as independent people ready to do the work that God's reserved for them.

Turn Things Around

"The foundation of any boy's life is built on three things: his relationships with his parents, his relationship with God, and his relationship with his siblings and close friends.
If these three are strong, any boy can thrive in the midst of academic and athletic challenges, a toxic culture, and harmful peer pressure. So set aside for the moment thinking of your son in terms of his grades or his athletic performance. Think of him as a person, complete and whole. He has, like any of us, deep needs that have to be met, and if we as parents don't meet them, his character and the decisions he makes will be up for grabs; they'll be shaped by the people who do. The most important people in a boy's life are his parents. You should never feel powerless with your son. No one is more important to him than you are.
Your son needs more time with you: time to talk and time to play. He needs less Internet time, more outdoor time. He needs to know that God exists and that his life is no accident. He needs - and wants - the benefit of your wisdom, life experience and maturity."

- Meg Meeker, M.D., from the book Boys Should Be Boys: Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons

Zachary's First Surgery

And we're hoping it'll be his last!

The doctors who have examined Zac have never failed to tell me how big his tonsils/glands are. One or two have reacted as though they discovered dinosaurs in his throat so I was not terribly surprised when the ENT specialist we saw told me they need to come out. It was my first time looking at these behemoths and it was shocking to see these bulging golf balls lodged at the back of his throat. They block part of the throat so it's no wonder he snores so loudly at night and it apparently prevents them from eating well as well.

Zac goes for surgery tomorrow morning at Novena Surgery and I'm praying hard that it all goes off without a hitch. I'm nervous since my baby is going under a knife and for that hour or so I am literally powerless to help him in any way much less offer comfort.

In my heart I pray that God will guide the hands of the doctors and nurses attending to him and for Zac himself to be calm throughout. I pray that they will care for him as though they were their own and not just another patient. Recovery is supposed to take about 7 days so I hope he will not feel much pain and that there will not be any bleeding.

He is in Your hands Lord.

Back to School - School at Home

The June holidays are over. As the older Patti boy drags his feet back to school, I'm getting pumped up to start a new learning system at home. I've been reading a lot about homeschooling and though at this point I'm skeptical about going all the way with it, I don't see any reason not to use the great teaching ideas I've come across with my 2 boys. Starting today, I'm going to get cracking with this and will be trying to stick with it for the rest of the year to see how it goes.

What I'm hoping to cover is reading (English and Mandarin), penmenship, Math and maybe Science. I'm actually excited about working on Science with Zac. Maybe I've got a little geek in me too!

To help with Mandarin, I've started speaking to Zac and Eli in Mandarin now and then. It could be as simple as asking questions and showing them how to answer or even just telling them the name of objects or items in Mandarin. I am by no means fluent in my 2nd language so this is all very effortful on my part but it's still better than nothing! I've also made it a point to borrow mandarin books so Zac gets exposure to as many words as possible. There's quite a bit of protesting and resistance but I'm pressing on and praying that these seeds will take. 

Rather than teaching my boys through drills and the same ol' methods, I've found some pretty interesting learning activities online that make learning as much about play as it is about picking up a new skill. I'm hoping to use what I've found online to inspire and expand on simple ideas he's already been exposed to. It's hard to avoid the repetition and maybe a little drilling since that's how they learn at the moment. (With short attention spans, repeating is definitely a must!)

I'm still trying to find my way where all this teaching/learning is concerned and today is Day 1. Let's see where this takes us!

God grant me every ounce of patience, enthusiasm and wisdom that I'm going to need to lead my little men in this quest to learn. Help me know when to push and when to pull back. Most importantly help me to show them love in all that I do. AMEN.

Take Aways: The Growing Parent ... with Grade Schoolers (Saddleback Church sermon)

Some tips gleaned from a sermon I heard online from Saddleback Church's series about Love-Powered Parenting.

1. Learn to see difficult emotions and behaviours as opportunities for intimacy.
2. Say what you see and name the emotion.
3. Lean into feelings, inquire and teach self awareness and self-reflection skills.
4. See behaviour as immature language and go beneath the actions to inquire about feelings and emotions that prompt behaviour.
5. Put a gap between your own emotions and your responses.

Hold My Hand Lord

Zachary and Daddy in Spain

There are so many times that I feel STETCHED. Trying to play protector, teacher, caregiver, cook and playmate to my children and keeping it all together while still holding a whole lot of other roles takes a toll on me. Needless to say, it's hard to keep a smiley, enthusiastic demeanor much less be endlessly gentle and patient.

Even though when we were little we expected our parents to be superheroes and always believed that they knew and could do it all, its only when we become parents ourselves that the truth is revealed! It must have been in God's plan to make us into parents to learn humility and to make us dependent on Him for our daily bread.

Oh God, I need you everyday to take me by the hand and guide me to be a good shepherd to my little sheep. Amen.

Fine Whine

I don't think we really hit the Terrible Twos with Zac while we were in Spain and for that I'm ever grateful. Unfortunately, it seems we've hit the Fearsome Fours where tantrums, tears and tyranny seems to erupt at every corner we turn.

I'm not entirely sure what hit us and whether it's just a boundary-testing phase, over-tiredness, or need for attention but whatever it is it's tedious and just plain exhausting to deal with. I don't fancy this stage of his development and I honestly wish he'd just snap out of it. There are lots and lots of instances, however where I doubt myself and wonder if I'm doing something wrong! Can't help that - guilt and self-doubt seems to come with the territory. Still, it's not a very helpful way of approaching this whole parenting-young-children animal.

Even though it's hard when you're in the midst of the chaos, but I'm trying to be optimistic and light-hearted about this whole thing. While I mourn the loss of my precious, sweet little baby who has turned into a livewire with sass to boot, I'm also looking at the brighter side of being a mum to a chatty, intelligent and oftentimes loving little boy. To remind myself, I take lots of photos and record little videos of both my boys as they go about their day to day.

Gripes aside, I'm really so grateful that they're healthy (usually) and happy (usually) and I try so hard not to take things like that for granted. I pray that even as we hit potholes now and again, we'll be able to nurture an intimate relationship with our children so that even when they go out in search of themselves, they won't forget where home is.

Mummy's Day Out

Actually, make that Mummy's FEW HOURS Out.

Zac is going on an excursion to Hay Dairies, a goat farm and the Jurong Frog Farm today with his school. Most of the children in his class have their mums and dads accompanying them but I decided that I was going to let him experience this on his own without me. Of course, this is more because I want him to learn to be independent and to be able to enjoy it with his friends (yada-yada). A teensey part of it is that I REALLY wanted some time on my own for a bit to do what I want to do and see what I want to see and EAT what I want to eat for a change. Even if it's not the whole day, I'm excited and elated that I have these precious hours all to myself.

To do:
1) Get hair trimmed - I am starting to grow wild here!
2) Shopping - window or otherwise.
3) Lunch somewhere nice
4) Enjoy the peace....... ahhhhhhhh

Let's GO!!!!

The Naughty Boy Fish

This is the super duper gigantic fish that inhabits the little pond at Dempsey near Zac's school. We never knew it was there until a friend pointed it out. You can't tell from the picture but it's HUGE! I think if Len lay down next to it, it might be a tough fight to see who is longer/taller.

I made up that it's called the "Naughty Boy" fish who can smell naughtiness and sniffs out naughty children for his supper. The only way to ward off the "Naughty Boy" fish is to do good things and be obedient!

Daring to Parent

I'm reading Dr. James Dobson's "Parenting Isn't For Cowards" and am finding it to be a real help in confirming or changing my approach to trying to be a good parent. I've been feeling a little stressed out since Eli's been born. The lack of sleep and having fallen ill - first with a bad cold and now with stomach flu, I feel like I'm only half there. Perhaps a portion of my testiness is a result of sleep deprivation and poor health but I'm also a little on edge because Zac has reached that necessary stage of growing up where he absolutely has to push every button imaginable! He is often petulant to the point of being bratty and is visibly trying to test boundaries that have been expressly put into place. He isn't like that all the time mercifully but the emotional outbursts occur with enough frequency to warrant concern. What can be quite tiresome is adjusting my own feelings and reactions since he oscillates between sweet and sour in a blink of an eye!

I believe that Zac is at heart a rather compliant child and is just as frustrated (sometimes) as we are with his behavior. Trying to keep his actions in check has gotten more difficult with Eli's arrival and I do admit that I am guilty of letting some things slide into inconsistency. I do so want to get back on track and concentrate on raising my babies right so I pray this flu bug and possible mastitis will see its end by this weekend! PLEASE GOD!

Going Through Phases Without Getting Phased

My baby boy turns three in a week and he amazes us everyday with his funny, energetic and surprisingly sweet nature. He's grown to a little more than a metre in height and has morphed emotionally and intellectually from being a little baby to a mini human being complete with sponge-like brain. Looking at all these changes taking place on the outside and inside, "growing pains" are a natural. However, this phase seems to have turned our sweet little guy into a growing pain in the butt at times.

While on the whole, he's always had a pretty even temperament as far as little kids go, his recent explosive tendencies when trying to express his ideas and emotions has us running for cover. I've noticed the changes have been creeping in over the past 2-3 months and he's been walking around like a ticking time-bomb that gets set off by just about anything. His first reaction to disappointment (ie, being told 'no') is to crumple into a ball and burst into tears. Usually this is a sure sign of tiredness or an on-coming ailment but it seems my almost-3-year-old has learned the fine art of crocodile tears. (Something he surely picked up from watching his classmates in school.) He's testy and sassy a whole lot more often and has been seriously trying to push the boundaries particularly when it comes to being polite or obedient. I know my sweet little baby is still somewhere in there but now that he's smarter and feels more capable, he can't help but try to push our buttons. I know it's all a ruse because I have caught him mid-bawl peeking at me to see if I'll cave.

It feels like there were fewer behavioural issues to deal with while we were in Barcelona and I can't help but attribute the changes to the fact that I haven't been able to give him 100% of my attention 100% of the time. This is largely due to the big changes in our living arrangements and the fact that I'm pregnant and was out of commission for more than 3 months! I've had to settle with being an unwilling backseat passenger while my mum's graciously taken over caring for Zac. (Even though we're all living together, a toddler is not so likely to take you seriously when you can barely get yourself out of bed and the different toddler smells he brings makes you run for the toilet.)

Now that I'm feeling much better, being pregnant makes it a little more difficult for me to deal with temper tantrums and bad behaviour. Not impossible. Just difficult. This is especially so when nipping the tantrum in the bud requires me to physically hold or remove my writhing child from a situation. Reclaiming the reins to the runaway wagon that is my little boy is quite the challenge and oftentimes an uphill battle but it is one battle I refuse to lose. Len and I both agree that teaching our children while they are young and pliable is really the best favour we could do for them (and us). Being young and pliable doesn't make it any easier and there are days I get thoroughly discouraged. I mean, how encouraging is it to have your son tell you "I don't want mummy; I want Mama/Bah"? It's so true that parenting very young children can sometimes be such a thankless job!

The Strategy:

1. Repeat. Instead of nagging, I only highlight the message I'm trying to get across when it is immediately in front of him instead of in the possible future. Consistency is so important but it's one of those tricky things that often gets neglected so I'm trying to remind myself to be more mindful.

2. Keep promises. If I promise certain rewards/punishments, I try to make sure I follow through so he knows I mean what I say.

3. Speak in low tones. Yelling doesn't cut it and usually ends up making everyone more upset. Zac seems to respond better when he's looked in the eye and spoken to without raising my voice.

4. Catch him doing good stuff. Praising the good behaviour and ignoring the bad might - I read this in a parenting book and have been trying to apply it in my own parenting style.
(NOTE TO SELF: I will not reward only with food and material things.)

Right. Now that I have this down on the blog, I hope to stick with it and hopefully see the fruits of my labour.

Expat Mums

Wrote a short snippet for Elaine, a fellow-GUG mum I met over the summer who owns a fairly new parenting online magazine called Today's Motherhood. Read the article here (click on "Voices from Expatriate Mums" title on the cover) as well as a whole lot of other informative and helpful articles.