The Final Countdown

The end of June feels like a ticking clock.

I'm feeling dread and some apprehension about going back to the routine of driving the kids around to their various activities, getting my BSF homework done, making sure everyone is abreast with the goings on at school/work/play, cooking and trying to get into some sort of workout regime, making sure my marriage is God-centered and keeping up my efforts to bring up my children in a Christ-like manner. The last week of June also marks the final few days before my little nephew makes his foray into the world. It's an amazing time of change and busy-ness that is as exciting and wondrous as it is intimidating.

Being a mother has changed up my game plan considerably. I'm no longer sailing solo and bobbing along on life's sea going wherever the waves take me, worrying just about myself and my own needs. Now I have to be a captain on board a cruise vessel that's enroute to a destination I need to chart out, all the while catering to the whims and fancies of the passengers on board and dealing with the day-to-day of crew-management. It's uncharted waters I sail into and my compass at times gets wonky so it's with some anxiety that I journey on with the hope that I will finally drop anchor in the right place.

Even though there are times where I feel the crush and the pressure to know all the answers at once, I am constantly reminded (through a song, a podcast, chatting with someone, even divine inspiration) that the one at the helm doesn't have to be me. God, my Creator who made the seas I sail and the cartographer of the map I have is there at the helm waiting to take over. All I have to do is to hand over the controls to Him and let Him do the steering.

It's this needing to peel my white-knuckled fists off the steering wheel that is such an exercise in humility. I think in some way, the reason God gave us marriage and children is to demonstrate on a human level the kind of relationship He wants to have with us. God gave us marriage to show us what being part of a partnership is like and how things could be so good or so bad depending on how much in synch we are as a team. God demonstrates His sense of humour in giving us children to raise since it takes everything you thought you knew about yourself and another human being and turns it on its head. With children, you are forced to reassess what's important in life and you start tolet go of your selfish desires and expectations of your own life in exchange for something that's better for them.

This past year has been one of reflection and re-dedication. I've come to realise how much I need to depend on God to grant me everything I need to make this life work the way it should. It's a relief to know that I don't need to know it all and I don't need to get it right all the time. No matter what I choose to do, no matter the mistakes I make there isn't anything I can do to foil God's plans. That's a huge, HUGE weight off my shoulders because that means I just have to keep looking to Him for direction.

I've come to really like Psalm 139 that started listening to on Sing the Bible by Randall Goodgame. It's my go-to Psalm for the year when I feel lost or anxious or a little crazy (that happens A LOT).

PSALM 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

¹ You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

So This Is Christmas

Zac and Eli with their bounty

How many people can actually say they have SO MANY presents, they don't even know where to begin? My family and I have been so very blessed by the generosity of our friends and extended family.

It's the final hour before the end of Christmas day 2012 and I've finally eked out some quiet time to myself to sit and reflect about this season and what it means to me. When I was a child, it was all about the stuff I want to get/could possibly get/ hope to get next year. Now that I am older and have children of my own, I realise that it's that sense of anticipation and waiting that I enjoy the most. That longing to see what comes next but not wanting it to happen just yet since it will pass me by in a flash. It's funny how the year usually starts off feeling slow and the months seem to plod by, but by the time it hits October and November, time moves into hyper-drive and before you know it, Christmas is over too soon and we're faced with the dawning of a new year.

To me this season brings with it this sense of urgency to show and tell the people I care about how much I love them and appreciate their presence in my life. This naturally leads to being rather carried away with hunting for the perfect gift and getting stressed out with the festivities rampant at this time of year. Of course, I know at the back of my mind that it's really not that one-time gift that will fully convey my feelings but it doesn't usually stop me from getting all wound up shopping for presents. Now that I have a moment to stop and think, it occurs to me that I shouldn't have to wait until Christmas to demonstrate goodwill to all man. This feeling of "can't-do-enough" - that's what I need to hold on tight to throughout the year.

In fact, my attitude of service shouldn't be restricted to just the people I know but it should extend outwards to the people I don't even know (yet?). Instead of waiting for that one time of the year, when Christmas casts its magic and takes down those barriers of self-centredness and selfishness, I really ought to walk the talks I've been preaching to my children about showing love and kindness. I feel like I need to do more to share the gift that God gave us that first Christmas. The gift that our Father in heaven so freely gave to us - his Son, to become one of us to save this world from sin and death. I've been tardy about sharing God's love and grace. The time to start is now.

With the start of 2013 looming, I want to try to live more mindfully and to listen carefully to God's still small voice for opportunities to share a little of what I've been given. I'll need to pray for courage to do what I am asked and enough compassion to act immediately instead of listening to all the excuses I can think up! (If you read this, please pray I get reminders from time to time!)

What I'd like to do...

I don't think I stop much these days to think about these sort of things. Being so occupied with my children, obsessing about what to feed the family and making sure that my husband doesn't starve or work himself to death does not allow much time for pondering upon things for the self.

If someone asked me what I wanted to be doing 5 years down the road (a question posed during interviews oddly enough), I could scarcely give a sincere answer without falling back to a rehearsed script (not that I have one). However, just the other day, my mum casually mentioned that I should really consider going to a cooking/baking school. I've been tinkering in the kitchen a lot more since we were in Barcelona and now that we're home, I've taken over the cooking and planning responsibilities as well. The thought of going to a culinary school never really appeared on my radar since I never thought I'd want to do it professionally. At this point, I don't think I do since I'm quite happy making sweets and savouries from my home kitchen and feeding friends and family. Still, now that I've had a bit more experience cooking and baking, I can't say that the idea of turning my hobby into something more isn't tempting.

At this point, because I'm so pre-occupied with raising my young children and family, going back to school isn't a possibility I'd entertain for now. Trying to formally learn how to cook/bake will take me away from the precious time I have with my little ones and isn't a sacrifice I'd like to take. I tell myself, "when they are older and are in school-proper" but of course my mind wanders back to the possibilities. Nothing to stop me from daydreaming which seems to be sufficient today.

Will I be too old? Will I have the means? Will this dream have faded, you say?
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

 But I have this innate trust that God has a plan and he might just allow me to have my cake and eat it too!